I went through a rough patch a few years ago when my son was hospitalized and my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had recently moved to a new town; took an early retirement from my career; started a new relationship; friends, family, and colleagues were divorcing, losing jobs, and passing away; and my health began to suffer...it was as if I was on the back of a wild stallion galloping faster than the wind and hanging onto his mane for dear life. I was spreading myself too thin and I wasn't adapting as well as I had hoped. Looking back I can't say it was easy. I cried a lot. I prayed a lot. I fasted a lot. I spent time in doctor's offices and continuously searched for ways for my life to stabilize and for me to not live in fear of the" other shoe dropping". However, the Bible says that the rain falls on the just and the unjust alike. We will all suffer sickness and pain, the loss of loved ones, financial challenges, and changes in relationships.
I've blogged before about the answers to overcome living in fear and moving past the pain and suffering of living in this broken world. Today I thought I'd continue with some secular/practical ways to cope with the day to day craziness. None or these are my original ideas and I wish I could name the sources but I failed to write them down. I picked them up along the way. Use or discard as you see fit just as I did.
Stress reducing tips:
1. Be a detective: Figure out where the stress is coming from. Don't complain about being stressed. Don't give power to the words, "I'm so stressed!" Identify what you're actually stressed about...this is a step toward getting organized and taking action.
2. Decide what you can control in your life: You cannot control any other human being on this earth...you may be able to influence them but they will make their own decisions. So, let that go. Their actions and decisions are not up to you. Nor can you control all events. What you can do is control how you react, how you accomplish your work, how you spend your time, and what you spend your money on. Doing what's within your power moves you forward.
3. Do what you love: Manage your stress "pockets" by filling the rest of your time with activities you love, especially something that's meaningful and fulfilling. Is your To Do List expanding? Does it seem like time is flying? Do you often say, "There is no time" for this or that? Realize we all have 168 hours a week...we all have the same amount of time...choose what you fill your hours with. Start by A. keeping track of your time with a spread sheet (if you are the type of person that needs to see the data) recording time spent on sleep, work, food, household tasks, family time, exercise, etc. B. Create a list of your 100 dreams...and do them. C. Make a list of your core competencies (things you do really well that other's don't). D. Add you core competencies to your spreadsheet and breakdown your list of 100 dreams into actionable steps and schedule them in as well. E. If possible, ignore, minimize, or outsource everything else (including housework). F. Spend your spare minutes doing joyful activities (make a list of meaningful activities that take 30 minutes or less). G. Revisit your schedule regularly (does your schedule reflect where you want to be?).
4. Create a toolbox of techniques for coping. A. Perform deep breathing exercises. B. Lie face down on the floor and breath deeply and slowly with your hands resting under your face for about 5 minutes or sit in a reclining chair and put one hand on your abdomen and one hand on your chest. As you breath make sure the hand on your abdomen is moving up and down rather than the one on your chest. . Try progressive muscle relaxation or deep muscle relaxation. Progressively tense and relax each muscle group. Learn the difference between muscle tension and relaxation. C. Use visualization or guided imagery to help you relax. D. Exercise or walk daily. E. Make time for music, art, or other hobbies. F. Lean to identify and monitor stressors/triggers and come up with an organized plan for handling situations as they arise. G. Make a list of the most important things you need to accomplish each day and try to follow it, keeping a coping plan step by step, and reward yourself when you have achieved them. H. Keep an eye out for signs that you are not coping well: increased drinking/smoking/medicating/couching/binging and decreased sleep and personal upkeep. Take action. I. Learn to say no. J. Don't run from your problems...this only makes it worse. K. Find someone you can trust to assist you through the tough times.
5. Preserve good boundaries: Productive, happy people are protective of their time and having their boundaries crossed. A. Identify your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual limits. B. Tune into your own feelings. Resentment usually comes from being taken advantage of or not being appreciated. It's a sign you are pushing yourself either beyond your limit because you feel guilty (wanting to be a good parent, spouse, etc.) or someone is imposing their expectations, views, or values on you. C. Be direct. Those with different personalities and cultural backgrounds may need to be direct about boundaries. Talk about how much time is needed to maintain a sense of self and how much time can be spent together. D. Consider your past and present. How you were raised in your family can become an obstacle. Are your relationships reciprocal? Is there a healthy give and take? Is the environment unhealthy? E. Make self-care a priority so that you will have energy, peace of mind, and a positive outlook each day. F. Seek support: a group like a church, counseling, clubs, coaching, or good friends or family. The priority is to hold each other accountable. G. Be assertive and follow through. People aren't mind readers. They need to know what hurts you and when they've crossed a boundary. H. Don't apologize if it's not your fault. People pleasers are serial apologizers. I. Self-soothe by using positive, self-talk. Examples are, "I can do this," or "It's okay to say no." J. Recognize when you've been successful and don't focus on what went wrong. K. Keep a confidence file: a collection of positive and praising emails, cards, etc. and review them often. L. Realize that you can't be everything to everyone. The only thoughts and feelings you can change are your own.
6. Realize there's a difference between worrying and caring. Worrying is an attempt to exert control over the future by thinking about it whereas caring is taking action. Shift your mindset. There is a difference between worrying about your health and caring about your health.
7. Embrace mistakes: or at least don't drown in perfectionism. Perfectionism hampers success. It's a pathway to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life-paralysis. Perfectionism is not the same as trying to do your best. Don't spend your days walking on eggshells...it's exhausting and anxiety provoking.