It has been awhile since my last post. I wallowed in self-pity and didn't feel worthy. Plainly I was robbed of joy and couldn't find my way out of it. I felt I was wronged and was entitled to some recompense...some "grand gesture" of humility for being wronged. I became angry and sad and even depressed. I was angry that my life didn't turn out the way I had envisioned it. I was sad that I wasn't appreciated for how wonderful and amazing a human being I believed I was...in my own story. I was depressed because I thought that this had to be because I wasn't ENOUGH. I fought bitterness, fear, and hopelessness on a daily basis. It was a battle and I felt that I was losing.
Months went by. It was nothing dramatic but I took small steps towards escaping my self-imposed captivity. Choosing to concentrate on my creator instead of His creation was the first step. Leaving my burdens before Him was easier said than done. I felt that my daily assistance was somehow necessary...even though it robbed me of the time I could have spent in His word, in worship, and in study. Not to mention how I was no longer utilizing the fruits of the spirit or thinking on things" lovely and pure and of good report."
I came across some notes I had written in my Bible from many years ago. They were part of a teaching sermon from a surgeon in San Diego. I was reminded what the missing element for achieving joy was. Dr. Levy said, "Forgiveness is the currency in God's kingdom...without it there is no joy." He said, "When we're focused on bitterness it is all about ourselves...and we can't be freed." He went on to say that "the bigger the offense you forgive, the larger the joy" and that "You are never more like Jesus than when you forgive." Thank God He has forgiven me. For I am a sinner. I am unworthy. We all are. But it is God that is good and promises to forgive us. When He has forgiven our transgressions, they are removed as far as the east is from the west... (Psalms 103:12...one of my favorite Psalms). Praise you Lord and Amen.